Would you love me if I had three eyes?
If I had no hair, would I need to disguise?
Oh, if we woke up and I'd been sick in the bucket
Would you empty it while I snored?
If the answer's yes, then my prayers ain't been ignored

Would you love me if I had a wooden leg?
Would you care if the neighbours left and called me Piggy?
Would you put out the barbecue if my teeth all came out too?
If the answer's yes, my prayers ain't been ignored

Darlin', where were you when I lay on my sick-bed?
When I needed a doctor, you sent a vet instead
Well, I know you're just a farmer-boy, but that's really no excuse
So pass me my spanner, 'cos my leg has just came loose